


The Queen

by inagrainofsand



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Arranged Marriage, M/M, Matriarchal society, Slow Burn, unspecified ancient times
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-26
Updated: 2017-10-21
Packaged: 2019-01-05 19:25:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12196128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inagrainofsand/pseuds/inagrainofsand
Summary: Only a queen may ascend to the throne, and only daughters have been born to the royal family for generations. Until Marianne and her son that is. But if the prince became a princess, no one needed to know that. Even if things got complicated a little because of an old marriage arrangement.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I don't know if anyone is actually reading this, but in case someone is-Hi! this is my very first attempt at writing fanfiction and also my first attempt at writing in English. basically, this will be of very poor quality. also, this story is in no way historically, or geographically accurate, and the vocabulary is probably not suited for the times it is set in. there's most likely many mistakes, I'm only writing this for fun! also, I wanted to make some things clear. the character of Isak's mother isn't based on the character in the show, I only borrowed the name. because of the time it is set in, the ideas about gender and sexuality aren't really inclusive (Just a heads up), i should've put more tags but i wasn't really sure which ones (I'm yet to write this whole story) so i'll warn at the beginnings of the chapters if there is something potentially triggering and if i miss something pls tell me! this chapter is only an introduction and it's in marriane's pov, next one will be in isak's. this has gotten long...Sooo Enjoy! (maybe, hopefully lol)

“Whatever happens, not a word to anyone”.

The wind was whining, shaking the branches outside the window of a dimly lit chamber. A woman was lying on a bed, moaning in agony, breathing too fast, talking through gritted teeth.

“Did you hear me, Helga?!”

“Of course, Your Grace, please don’t worry about that. Right now, you should just focus on evening out your breath”.

“I won’t be able to do this again. It has to be! It just has to!” The woman was yelling at this point, her voice filled with urgency and desperation.

“And we should now help _her_ come into this world, alright?”

Marianne was scared, terrified really. She has spent last several months restless, easily irritable, praying every night to every god she knew for her child to be a girl.

Nearing the autumn of her life, she had already given up all hope that the next Queen would be of her own blood. However, that didn’t mean that the next Queen wouldn’t be her daughter. Marianne knew that, no matter what happened, she wouldn’t fail her late mother, she wouldn’t fail her family name, and she most certainly would NOT let those vultures get what they’ve been FALSELY claiming was theirs for centuries now. She was in the middle of hatching a plan when a miracle has happened. The gods were just and Marianne got pregnant with a child. Ah, there was no other living being happier than her when she had found out. The whole country was celebrating with her. Peace finally found her. Unfortunately, not for very long.

Soon, her mind was plagued with dark thoughts. What if it’s not a girl? _No, no. Gods were just! In the most desperate moment of mine, they’ve blessed me. They know whom the throne belongs to. The new Queen is in my womb._

To make sure of it she drank the peppermint tea Helga prepared and visited the Mother’s temple many times over the months always leaving generous amounts of coin there. Still, Marianne felt like she couldn’t breathe freely, like she couldn’t rest in her sleep. As if there was a heaviness suffocating her and she knew, no matter what she did, it wouldn’t stop until she held her daughter in her arms. And the moment she awaited and feared the most was here.

The pain was like no other she’d ever felt, but the dread as well. Every part of her body begged for it to be over, but her mind wasn’t ready to know. Like two opposite pulls on her being, both strong, both unyielding. Marianne’s eyes were filled with tears, her voice raw from yelling, but Helga’s words helped her give in to one of the pulls.

“And we should now help _her_ come into this world, alright?”

_Yes, that’s what we should do. That’s what I should do. Help my daughter. I’m going to have a daughter. Daughter. No matter what…_

*

Hours later, Marianne was passed out in her royal chamber, her face exhausted, pale like the stone walls. One would think she was gone, merely a ghost if not for the subtle movement of her chest. She wasn’t alone. Her husband Terje was in the corner of the spacious room, right next to Helga, looking over something, over some _one._ In the crib she used to sleep in years and years ago, there was now a tiny baby sleeping peacefully. The adults didn’t seem very peaceful, though, their faces serious and etched with worry.

“What should we do, my Lord?”

*

“Marianne, this is madness!”

“This is the only way”. She has just finished breastfeeding and was now getting ready for the first traditional outing to the Square, where she would introduce her little heiress to the people of her queendom. Marianne was very weak after giving birth and has spent most of these past weeks in bed with her child but today she would brave the world once again. It was a beautiful summer day, and she needed to match it in her appearance. The dress she wore was the most luxurious she had, the color of white wine with an embedded golden brooch. She would don a dark cloak as well, but first, she had to put on a bit of blush. She couldn’t show up looking so drained, oh no. Maybe even some powder to conceal the exhaustion in her eyes. Hmm… _If only my hair weren’t so limp…_

“Marianne, would you look at me, please?”

“What, Terje?! What?”

“I am begging you, my lady. Don’t go through with this. Please. It’s completely pointless.”

“Well, the people already heard I had a daughter, so…”

“We could still say those were just rumors. If you go in front of them today and they hear it from you, well, it will be different.” Terje truly didn’t understand her. He had no idea what it was like for her, the last one of her name, the one _all_ her ancestors counted on. Like her mother who taught her how hard they had fought to win the throne and to keep it; how many people, innocent people, died to make sure the name Valtersen ruled this country. It could not all end with her. It _would_ not. If she died with no female heirs, there would be many claims to the throne and that would mean war. Lives lost. Gods know who would get their hands on the crown. And all because of what? Her inability to birth a daughter? No, absolutely not. Marianne was only doing what needed to be done.

“Terje, my love”, she spoke sweetly, slowly walking up to him. “Why don’t you start getting ready? You wouldn’t want me waiting for you, would you darling?”

He looked so disappointed that it almost hurt. Almost.

“Have you even stopped to think about this? At all? About how this will affect him? What will happen when he grows older? When people begin realizing? When _he_ realizes? My lady, do you not remember the deal you made with the Bech Næsheim family upon our marriage? I’m sure they didn’t.”

Years ago, in order to ease a negotiation with her wardens of the North, Marianne proposed that one of the Bech Næsheims marry the next queen. They were a powerful family, their name highly respected across the queendom. It felt like a good deal, for both sides. However, it would be a long, long time before she had to confront that situation, if she was even alive for that. It felt like a problem of the future and right now she just wished to make herself beautiful and introduce her daughter to the world.

“Ah, relax a little darling, would you? Everything will be just fine”

He stood there, eyes glassy, defeated.

“I just know it will. And a Queen knows best, right? Now start getting ready. It’s time the world meets our little Isabell”.

*

“Where is she?!”

“Oh, you’re up.”

Marianne was on her feet for the first time this week after a bout of weakness had her bed ridden. She went to greet her daughter who she expected to find with Terje, but there he was, all on his own, reading some book.

“Terje, where is our daughter?!”

“Calm down, Isabell is with the girls. They are playing in the garden. And, yes. Helga is watching over them.”

“And why aren’t you there? I told you to _never_ leave her alone with others!”

“Marianne. We need to let her have some time with her friends by herself, we can’t-“

“I’m not having this conversation again. Have fun reading your book”, she stormed off in search for her daughter.  

Marianne couldn’t relay on Terje anymore, she knew that. Ever since they introduced Isabell, he wouldn’t touch her, he wouldn’t even look at her. They barely spoke to each other and even when they did, it was cold, detached and, more often than not, would turn into an argument. But still, the least he could do was pay attention to his own child.

She approached their summer garden breathing heavily from exertion. Although the castle was huge and she had to take many fast steps, the thought was still worrying. Marianne willed it away and focused on what was right in front of her. There she was, her little girl. Isabell was wearing a little white dress, her golden curls falling gracefully over her shoulders. She was sitting with her cousin’s daughters, Eva and Sara. Both of them could’ve claimed the throne one day if the Valtersen dynasty was over. Too bad for them that will never happen.

Little Isabell looked at her mother as soon as she arrived and practically jumped from the chair and into her arms. Oh, she was very attached to Marianne.

“You’re up, mother! Are you better now?”

“Yes, I am, my darling. I just needed a little rest that’s all. You know how hard I work.”

Even though the other two girls were as old as Isabell and therefore barely six years of age, Marianne did not want to appear weak in front of them. Who knows what they would tell their mothers.

Eva and Sara bowed a bit awkwardly and said “Your Grace” in their squeaky little voices.

“Don’t mind me, please go back to your play ladies. You too, sweetheart.”

Marianne walked over to Helga and addressed her in a hushed tone, “When did they come here?”

“Oh, just after breakfast, Your Grace. The carriage should come pick them up soon.”

“Their mothers were not coming over?”

“No, the maids escorted them.”

The last time Dagny and Anne came over they talked in length how lovely it would be if their daughters befriended Isabell and grew up together as little sisters. Marianne politely agreed, but she wasn’t naive. They only wished that because Isabell was the future queen and now they had even started sending the children to the royal castle as if it was nothing.

“Was everything…in order, Helga? And don’t try and lie to me”, she said calmly while watching over the girls.

“Of course, Your Grace, I would never lie to you. Everything was in perfect order.”

Marianne was looking at her little daughter, an unsettled feeling in her chest. She was already a bit taller than the others.

_Yes, everything is perfect. But for how long?_

**

It all happened one warm summer day.

Marianne was sleeping in her chamber. She spent most of her time inside these days. Nightmares plagued her during the night, and it wasn’t much better during the day. She lived in a constant state of worry, unable to find peace no matter how hard she tried. Nothing she might’ve told to herself could quiet down the voice in the back of her head, practically screaming at her every waking moment. She thought she wouldn’t actually have to deal with this; she thought that somehow everything would be resolved on its own, or maybe that she wouldn’t live to see everything crumble. But this problem wasn’t solving itself, and she was still here, and everything was just dreadful…

The thing was Isabell was changing. Like any other girl her age. But, Isabell was changing _differently._

Next to Eva and Sara, the differences were obvious. Fortunately, she was fair haired and had gentle features and if dressed properly, could pass as a tall, skinny girl. Her voice however… Sometime last year Isabell stayed in her room the entire day. She didn’t wish to come downstairs to eat nor did she want to speak to anyone. After some prying she told to Marianne with tears in her eyes that she hates her voice. Apparently, one of the girls said something. She wouldn’t reveal which girl it was, probably because Marianne threw a fit promising that she’ll “teach a lesson to whomever dared speak to a princess in such a way”. She ended up telling Isabell about her great grandmother, Queen Erika, who had a really deep voice, but also everyone’s respect because she was an incredible ruler. Despite Marianne’s story, since then, Isabell became a really quiet girl and her mother knew that things weren’t going to get any better.

Marianne’s restless sleep was abruptly interrupted when the door to her chamber swung open and Isabell’s teary voice rang out, “Mother!”

Upon seeing her daughter’s face, she just knew. Before the words tumbled out of Isabell’s mouth, she knew. Coldness washed over her and half cried out sentences about going swimming with Eva and Sara sounded like a buzzing in her ears. She couldn’t listen or think, sudden images of her future swarming her mind, of her family’s future.

After a while, or maybe it was only a few moments, Marianne noticed that the chamber has gone silent. Isabell seemed to be waiting for an answer, but she wasn’t sure what the question was.

“Oh, you can’t go swimming, I already told you so”, she said nervously fidgeting with the blanket.

Isabell looked at her like she couldn’t understand the language she was speaking in.

“Mother- “

“Where is Helga, wasn’t she supposed to look after you? And your father? Where is Ter-“

“Mother, I told you we sneaked out.”

For a little while, they just stared at each other in silence. Marianne couldn’t hold the stare for too long. She averted her eyes and bit her lip in thought. Isabell was waiting, she knew and she wasn’t stupid. She wasn’t a little child anymore who would believe every one of her words. She couldn’t feed her stories. _It had to happen one day._

Solemnly, she raised her head and uttered, “Did they realize?”

“Realize what exactly, mother?” Her eyes were tearful but her expression was determined. “Tell me.” A tear rolled down her pale cheek and her voice cracked but she seemed stronger than ever.

“Did they reali-“

“No, they didn’t _realize_! Now, tell me!”

Marianne looked at her daughter. She was so adamant, angry. But underneath that she could tell she was terrified.

Her heart was breaking.

Her tiny little girl who would jump into her arms when she saw her, who would hug her and didn’t want to let go. Who listened to her and talked to her. Who would get scared when her mother couldn’t leave the bed, who brought her flowers from the garden to make her feel better. Her tiny little girl who outgrew her very fast. Her tiny little girl who was everything she had. Her little girl who she was going to lose after the next words.   

*

It has been several days and Marianne was still in her bed. All the words, screams and tears were echoing in her head. She couldn’t form a single new thought, a single feeling. She felt so…numb. There was no worrying, no fear…nothing. She was completely defeated.

Isabell hated her.

‘ _Isabell’._ Before she left the chamber, her daughter told her that that’s not who she is. That she won’t play a part in her ‘twisted tale’. Marianne pleaded and begged, she wasn’t even sure what for, but when the door closed and she was left alone, it didn’t matter anymore. She had no strength left, neither in her heart nor her body, to chase after anyone, to try and change anything. It was over.

Terje didn’t try to talk to her; he was still staying in the guest bedroom. Years ago, when he kept her secret, she liked to believe it was out of love and loyalty. However, soon she realized it was more likely because he was a coward.

Helga brought her food but, since Marianne asked no questions, she made no real attempt to speak to her, once on the way out muttering “You should eat at least a little, Your Grace”.

She didn’t know what was happening in the world outside her mind, and she wasn’t sure she wanted to.

After what felt like weeks, there was a knock on her door.

Marianne didn’t have the desire to open her eyes to check who it was, expecting it to be Helga asking her, yet again, if she wanted to take a bath. But after a few moments of silence, she knew it wasn’t her. She tentatively opened her eyes and suddenly her stomach dropped and heartbeat quickened. It was “Isabell“.

“I told you not to call me by that name.”

“I’m sorry, sweetheart.”

Her daughter visibly cringed at the pet name, but said nothing otherwise. She still had her blonde curls and was wearing a grey dress. Her green eyes, usually full of life, were…empty.

“I’ve been thinking and I want to speak to you.”

“Of course, honey, I’m here for you.”

Isabell made a slightly disgusted face, as if she was going to make a spiteful remark at that but seemed to change her mind. Instead, she took a deep breath and said:

“I… I don’t know what to do.”

Marianne wasn’t expecting to hear those words and raised her eyebrow at that.

“I…I know I don’t want anyone to call me Isabell, and I don’t want to be ‘the future queen’ and I know I don’t want to… pretend! But I don’t know how! How do I do that?! How do I live like that?”

She sounded desperate, obviously getting upset.

“And I spoke to father, and he said I shouldn’t do anything! He said the new ruler might kill us all, or at least imprison us for life! And I don’t know if I can even trust him, if I can trust anyone right now?! You are both despicable, awful people but who else can I talk to? No one!”

Her eyes didn’t look empty anymore, but they looked so so sad.

“I just…”, she breathed out a bitter laugh. “Tell me what to do. You made this happen, you fix it.”

Marianne suddenly thought back to all the plans she tried to make over the years, ever since she gave birth. They all seemed laughable right now- the one where Isabell gets married and fakes a pregnancy one day, the one where she doesn’t get married but still somehow ends up with a child, or the worst possible case, if she’s just done with everything, she tells everyone she woke up as a man one day because a jealous cousin cursed her.

After racking her brain a bit longer in hopes of gods’ enlightenment, she had nothing to suggest.

“I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I just…I don’t know”.

She appeared to have been expecting that since she simply nodded to herself.

“Do you think we could get chained if I announced the truth…or killed?”

“I can’t really say. Maybe you wouldn’t.”

“But _you_ would? You and father, I mean.”

“Don’t worry about us, we brought this upon ourselves. Or, I did”, Marianne muttered remorsefully.  “But, to be honest, I’m not sure if you would be completely safe. If I was sure, I would’ve told the truth years ago and put all the blame on myself!”

“Please, stop”, she said but it didn’t have a bite to it. Just infinite sadness. She wanted to reach for her, hold her like she used to when she was a child, but she was too far away.

After a beat of silence, during which she tried to find the right words, Isabell spoke again. “Well, before you and father figure out a solution, I think we should break off my engagement. That simply…cannot happen, so we should deal with it sooner rather than later.”

That gave Marianne pause. Engagements weren’t exactly easily broken off, especially ones as long as this one. And on top of that, this particular engagement was a part of a deal…a deal in which the other party already fulfilled their end of the bargain. _I guess it would be possible to pay them in coin, or make a whole new deal, but we would need to give them a really good reason._

“I guess, I can try to talk to the family”, she offered.

“‘Try’? Do you think there is going to be a problem?”

“Well, you see when we were making the arrangement, we were signing a deal and it was a part of that deal.”

At that he closed his eyes and sighed in disappointment. “Surely, there is something we can do, right?”

“Oh, don’t worry about it, honey.”

“It’s hard for me not to worry, when I can’t trust a word you say anymore.”

It hurt to hear that but Marianne deserved it.

 “We have options. I’m still the Queen after all. I can pay them or offer them a different deal or…hmm…well, the least painful resolution would probably be if _they_ broke off the engagement for whatever reason. And if somehow none of that works out, you can always send your husband to a guest room and never see him nor speak to him again”, she tried to jest but her daughter wasn’t laughing.

It felt strange to be in her chamber with her like this, a constant tension in the air, the palpable anger and mistrust. But her daughter was talking to her and it was more than she had hoped for this morning.

“I want to earn your trust again, honey. I _promise_ you I will take care of everything and you will _not_ be marrying the Bech Næsheim kid.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! here is the second chapter for anyone who is reading this story! i really want to thank you for the kudos and the comments, i get so excited over every single one of them, it truly means a lot! this is the first insight into isak's mind. i want to warn for some negative thoughts regarding his body image.   
> we're still at the beginning so things are slow, but that should change very soon. soooo hope you enjoy! :)

“I can’t believe you’re meeting you husband tomorrow, Issy! Are you excited?”, Eva asked enthusiastically, beaming at him. They were sitting with Sara in the summer garden like many times before and the girls couldn’t wait to talk about the upcoming days. He tried a smile and a short nod because even a simple ‘yes’ would probably sound like a lie. Which it would be, since Isak was anything but excited.

How did it even get to this?

A few years ago, when he learned that practically his entire existence was a fraud, he believed that everything was going to become different, that the life as he’d known it was over. But, the more time it passed, the clearer it became that nothing was changing. The entire world still believed he was ‘Isabell’, the future queen, and, even though he was determined not to, he still played his part in his family’s lies. Inwardly, some things did change. He wasn’t close to his mother anymore or anyone really. He spent most of his time isolated, living in his own head, which, admittedly, he was already used to. These days however, it felt like there was nothing else.

But, with the truth, came a sense of peace. He didn’t have to wonder anymore. He didn’t have to beat himself up. _Why am I so ugly? Eva and Sara are so pretty and what is wrong with me? What is wrong with my body? My voice sounds like Sara’s brothers’, she said it herself. Why didn’t I get my moonblood still?_ Those questions weren’t haunting him anymore, but the truth didn’t make those insecurities go away, not around others. He felt even worse sitting with his cousins or at any social gathering, more certain than ever that everyone whose eyes lingered on him for more than a moment was judging him. He knew the truth but no one else did and, as the days went by, the truth felt more and more useless.

One thing he did do was say goodbye to Isabell. The name didn’t feel right and despite being consistently reminded of it, he himself didn’t relate the person he was with that word. Instead, he thought of himself as Isak and it didn’t matter what anyone called him. He knew he was Isak and everything else was a lie.

He hated that he was now knowingly participating in it.

Still, the lies had to have its limits. He wasn’t going to get married and he made that crystal clear from the start.

Isak still remembered the last time Sylvi and Gunnar Bech Næsheim visited the castle. His mother assured him that before they leave, the engagement would be broken. Isak greeted the tall blonde pair probably a bit more awkwardly than he normally would have (his mother said not to try too hard to leave a good impression) but they just smiled at him warmly and commented on how tall he’d gotten. “ _Even is still taller though”, they laughed._ After Isak shyly excused himself, he stayed hidden within earshot desperate to listen in on their conversation with his mother. Part of him wondered if she was even going to try and cancel the engagement like she had promised.

Isak’s legs were getting tired after way too much talk about the weather, their trip, children, home life and then politics and finances. At some point a servant almost noticed him. That could’ve been very embarrassing. Finally, while he was sitting on a step behind a wall, his mother said, “I actually really wanted to talk to you about something. It is in regard to a deal we made before Isabell was born.” Isak’s heart suddenly started beating too fast and he tried to soak in every word spoken.

His mother tried, she could say that much. She suggested that ‘Isabell’ might not be fertile after an illness that had struck her as a child and she offered them _a lot_ of money instead. They preferred their son to marry the future queen though. Sylvi insisted her sister had been in the same situation, but “ _she prayed really_ _hard and now has_ _2 daughters! You never know, Your Grace. Gods’ ways are unpredictable. It would truly be a shame to give up so easily.”_ Marianne attempted to change their minds for a while longer but she was too soft, there was no real authority in her voice. She was presenting this marriage as a sacrifice for the Bech Næsheims but they were more than happy with it. Before it was over, Isak knew that this conversation wouldn’t end with his engagement broken.

The next few days that Sylvi and Gunnar were staying at the castle were slightly tense and awkward. His mother didn’t make any new attempts. Well, at least not with them. The day before they were supposed to leave, she knocked on Isak’s door.

“Sweetheart, they just wouldn’t listen.”

“I’m not marrying their son. You promised you’ll take care of this.”

“Yes, of course, I just don’t know how to convince them.”

“Why do you have to ‘convince’ them? Aren’t you the Queen? Couldn’t you just say that the engagement is off?”

She stayed silent for a few moments, as if searching for the right words. “I mean, I _could_ do that, but then we would most likely lose our good relations with the North, and those are extremely important for the peace of the whole country.”

There was probably some truth to it, but Isak just heard excuses. He didn’t believe his mother after learning what she was capable of, and right now it seemed to him, she just wasn’t ready to give up on the throne.

“You know what I think? I think you are still hoping that I could continue the rule of our family name. You are hoping I would play the same games you did; that I would turn to lies and fraud and ruin other people’s lives to get what I want. And I am telling you, mother, _that won’t happen._ The Valtersen rule is over, accept that.”

She looked taken aback by his words and quickly tried to appease him. “I’ve accepted that, my darling, you’ve got this all wrong. I would never expect anything like that from you! I genuinely wish to break off the engagement, and I will, I just wish to do it as painlessly as possible. And I actually came here to tell you about my other ideas.”

Isak was pretty sure she just blurted that out in panic.

“Really? What other ideas?”

“Well, there’s one I’m certain it could work, and I need your help to make it happen.”

Isak implored her to continue.

“When your betrothed arrives nearing the wedding, you should accuse him of showing disrespect to you. Well, I would actually do all the talking but you’d have to back me up. They will probably be very apologetic and I, being a merciful ruler, will agree to keep quiet and let the boy walk away with no consequences, but the marriage will, of course, be canceled. The relations between our families will definitely get colder for a while, but it is going to be their fault, not ours. You don’t marry their son and, on top of that, we have the upper hand in future negotiations. How does that sound?”

Isak didn’t think it was possible, but his mother managed to surprise him, yet again, with how devious she was. She definitely thought this through and was probably even looking forward to putting it into action. Isak didn’t fail to notice how, this way, if his engagement fell through, there would still be a possibility of another marriage with someone else in the future. He believed his mother definitely noticed that as well.

“Mother, why would you think I would agree to something like this?”

“Because you don’t want this marriage.”

“Firstly, let’s get one thing clear- I don’t want _any_ marriage, any marriage that involves deceiving another person or pretending to be someone I’m not. So, there will be no new engagements after this one.”

“Honey, I’ve never even thought about new engagements. Can’t you see how hard I’m trying to end this one?”

“Secondly, I’m not going to accuse anyone of anything. Why would I try to ruin someone’s life because of _your_ mistakes? Think of a better solution.”

Marianne didn’t say anything at first, just looked at him, defeated. He let himself observe his mother for a moment. Her wrinkles, dark, tired eyes, her graying hair. She has changed a lot in the past years during which Isak avoided her and barely spoke to her. She had become the embodiment of betrayal in his eyes; just the sight of her reminded him of every negative emotion he had ever felt. But suddenly, she appeared to him so small and weak that he felt a pang of guilt.

“Sweetheart, I don’t know how to apologize anymore. I know words are not enough, and I’m trying to prove to you how sorry I am, I really am. Trust needs to be earned, I cannot demand it from you, I cannot beg for it, I am aware of this, but… What I ask of you is, please give yourself a chance to trust me. I know it’s difficult, but please, try to open your mind to the idea of it. I promise you won’t regret it.”

Isak looked at her warily. All the voices in his head urged him not to trust her. Well, all but one. One voice wept. It wanted to believe her so desperately; it wanted to have someone he could trust again. He was so alone, alone in his life, alone in his thoughts. He used to be so close to his mother. He had felt the need to punish her but, he felt like he had been punishing himself instead. He didn’t want to be weak and he believed that meant never forgiving her, always staying angry. It hurt so much, but he thought it was the right thing to do.

“I truthfully don’t think anyone’s life would be ruined if we followed my plan. I would do everything very discreetly and the boy’s reputation would remain untarnished. Sylvi and Gunnar are sensible people. I’m sure they wouldn’t want to turn the situation into a public ordeal when it could potentially hurt their son. I’ve seen how much they care about their children; they would most certainly forgive him.”

Isak felt in his bones that this was wrong but he wasn’t sure if he had the strength to argue about it, to doubt it further. He just wanted it to be over, to alleviate at least one of his worries. His mother looked so hopeful, and even though he could still hear the voices telling him she doesn’t care if her plan works out or not, that she doesn’t care about his future, that this is only an attempt to temporarily appease him, that the only reason she could care about this is because of her own personal gain, he still yielded to the one tiny weeping voice in his head.

“Fine. We can try to do that.”

 

So, now Isak was sitting in the garden with Eva and Sara, dreading the days to come. Tomorrow, his betrothed will arrive along with his whole family. They will be staying at the castle for the next month, leading up to the wedding. The wedding that Isak had to make sure doesn’t actually happen. But just at the thought of materializing his plan, something would unpleasantly stir in his stomach.

“He will probably be handsome, his parents are!” Eva spoke with excitement Isak wasn’t feeling. “Oh, I can’t believe you’re actually getting married! Promise you won’t become like Sara.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Sara frowned.

“You know... So busy, we barely see you now.” Eva clearly wasn’t referring to that.

“I promise you will see me just as much, if not more.” Words felt weird coming out of Isak’s mouth. Even though he wasn’t really lying, he still hated talking about his marriage when he knew it would never happen.

“I hope he will be clean, you never know with the men from the North. My friend Christina unfortunately married a dirty one. I mean, she says she converted him now, but when he came to her house for the first time it was horrendous. Issy, promise me if Even is like Chris’s husband, you’ll actually tell him.”

“Oh, by the Gods, Eva, why are we talking about this?”

“Because I know you! You’d sooner die than complain about something like that. Please, just promise you’ll do it so I don’t have to worry about you sleeping next to a smelly man.”

“I’ll make sure not to sleep next to a smelly man. Can we talk about something else now?”

“Why? I thought you were excited about tomorrow.” Eva obviously wanted to talk more about it and Isak felt bad for trying to avoid the topic but he truly hated this.

“I am excited, just… this is probably all pointless to discuss before I’ve met him.”

Eva narrowed her eyes at Isak. He truly loved her even though she didn’t really know him. But he knew her, and he knew she was a genuinely good person who cared about people. Sometimes he wondered what would happen if he told her. What would her reaction be? A part of him thought that everything would be just fine, but a louder part convinced the smaller one that that wasn’t even an option.

“When my wedding comes, we will talk about _all_ the pointless stuff.”

Isak smiled at her a little. “Of course we will, Eva.”

Sara looked between them and cleared her throat. “Well, if you have any questions, you can always ask me, being that I’m in an amazing marriage. With a _very_ clean man, might I add.”

Normally, Isak would have many questions a month before his wedding, especially since he and his mother never really talked about it. The only idea of marriage he had was the one between his parents and according to that relationship, a marriage was a union in which two people spoke to each other only if absolutely necessary, lived in separate parts of their home and didn’t even try to hide their contempt for the other person. Despite that, Isak liked to believe there was more to a marriage than begrudgingly tolerating another human being.

“Um… What do you mean by ‘amazing marriage’?” Isak hoped his question didn’t sound too skeptical, he was simply curious.

Sara didn’t seem to have been expecting that but she still answered. “Well, he is very clean like I said, snores very softly, barely at all to be honest. He is very well-mannered. He had a highly respectable teacher, you probably heard of her. Um, what was the name again? It’s on the tip of my tongue…Anyway, you definitely heard of her. Let’s see…what else?”

She was thinking when Eva interrupted her. “Is he a good lover?”

Sara stuttered a bit at that. “Of course! He’s such a kind man, so full of love!”

Eva raised an eyebrow at that. “I meant in bed.”

 “Well, I already said he barely snores?” Sara looked confused.

Eva stared at her in disbelief. “Are you jesting with me?”

“Eva, I know what you’re asking, I just think it’s too intimate to share with others.”

“So, a terrible lover. Got it.”

“What?! No, I never said that!”

“Please, if he was anything above terrible, you would be waxing poetic about him right now.”

Isak quietly chuckled but Sara’s answer left him feeling kind of disappointed. _Was that really an amazing marriage?_ Was that the most someone could hope for? To have a husband with a good teacher? He wasn’t even sure what he expected. He wasn’t even sure why he cared; he will never get married anyway. Isak should probably be thrilled to learn he wasn’t missing out on anything. But he couldn’t help the sinking feeling in his heart.

He murmured, “Do you love him?”

Sara looked thoughtful for a moment. “Um… He is my husband. So I naturally love him. It’s similar to how you love your parents since they are your parents, you know?”

“Ew, I don’t want to love my husband how I love my parents.”

“That’s not what I meant, Eva! You understand, right Isabell?”

Yes, Isak understood. He understood that Sara didn’t really love her husband. Or that maybe there was no such thing as love, at least not between spouses.

“Yes, I understand.”

*

Later in the evening Isak was getting ready to go to bed by the candlelight. Usually, he combed his own hair, but tonight Helga was doing it. It was a special day tomorrow and apparently that meant he couldn’t do the simplest of tasks anymore. Isak didn’t mind having Helga with him, but he hated how much importance everyone was giving to this meeting. He wanted to shout how it didn’t matter, at all! They would be leaving before they’ve even settled in, and not in good spirits. 

“Your hair is so soft, Your Highness. Tomorrow, it’s going to shine like the sun itself.”

“Thank you.”

Helga was someone who’ve seen Isak grow up and who almost felt like a third parent. She was always just…there; she used to help him get ready in the mornings, she used to watch over him whenever he played on the castle grounds or take him on walks beyond them; she was the one who always escorted him to Eva’s or Sara’s home when his mother couldn’t; she was still the one who would bring food to his room on the days he preferred to stay inside. But she was also someone who has lied to him his entire life.

Isak knew that, all this time, Helga has known the truth. She was there when he was born; she helped him come into this world. He couldn’t be mad at her the same way he was angry at his parents though, since Helga probably didn’t have much choice, but he still put his distance. They never talked about it, never even acknowledged it. What was the point? Helga couldn’t solve his problems and her loyalties clearly lay with his mother. And she obviously felt the same because she knew he had found out but kept quiet. If she wanted to reach out to him, she could have. She just chose not to.

Helga was oddly quiet now as well. She didn’t try to talk to him about his betrothed, nor about the wedding. She never mentioned the word ‘marriage’. Probably because she knew it was all a sham. Isak wondered briefly what this moment would be like if no one had ever known him as ‘Isabell’. Most likely, Helga would be trying to calm his nerves, giving him motherly advice and he might actually be eager to meet his future…wife. Right. He would be meeting a girl. For some reason, it felt uncomfortably weird to think about that. It didn’t feel like a wistful dream, more like…something unnatural. He told himself he had his parents to blame for that, but he definitely had enough time to get used to the idea. This wasn’t the first time he tried to imagine marrying a girl and it still felt equally as strange like all the times before.

Although he usually avoided doing so, Isak looked at his reflection in the mirror he was sitting in front of. The room was bathed in an orange glow and the candles cast thin shadows across his face. His lips were a tight line, his eyes devoid of any emotion. He looked at Helga standing behind him, combing through his hair. There was a small frown on her face and an air of weariness. She was older than his mother, not by much, and he knew she lived at the castle since childhood.

“You have never gotten married.” Isak spoke softly, breaking the silence.

“No, Your Highness.” 

“Why is that?”

She sighed and stopped combing his hair for a moment. “I’ve never wanted to. It was simply...inconceivable for me.” Helga looked to Isak’s eyes in the mirror. “I didn’t want children and I didn’t want a husband, so…I never sought that life.”

Isak considered the words. He never heard someone admit this before and he probably wouldn’t believe it coming from anyone else, but the words appeared genuine coming from Helga. Could he be like Helga?  Maybe that’s why he found marrying a woman something unimaginable. But he also wasn’t certain he could be happy living Helga’s life.

“Do you ever feel lonely?”

“Of course I do. I believe everyone does, at least sometimes. Wouldn’t you agree?”

Isak nodded looking at her in the mirror.

“I simply know I would feel lonelier more often with a man beside me.”

That night, Isak didn’t sleep well, the nerves he was stifling the entire day now keeping him up. He’s been trying to lessen the significance of tomorrow and the coming days, but his body wouldn’t work with his mind. He kept turning in his bed covered in cold sweat, his stomach twisting uncomfortably, feeling completely powerless trying to calm himself down.

  _It will be fine, mother promised. She promised._

But that would only serve to remind him of all her lies, of all their fights and then he would remember how weak and sickly she appeared these days, and how he didn’t know how to help her, or if he even wanted to help her. He couldn’t even help himself. His own existence was like an open wound he’s been trying to ignore, but tonight, it’s as if he couldn’t stop prodding it.

When the sky’s sharp darkness started mellowing and the morning sunshine illuminated his room, Isak desperately clung to his pillows willing the new day away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi again and thank you so much for reading! next chapter should be posted sometime next week and it's time for even to show up :D please tell me what you think, i'd really appreciate it!! have a good day/night <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, sorry it took so long to update, hopefully you'll still enjoy! :)

Children shouting, laughing with joy. Running around without a care in the world. Servants and stablemen milling around. Isak standing rigidly next to his parents. A fresh summer morning in the castle’s courtyard.

The drowsiness still clung to his skin, like a visible thing. His face pale, his eyes dark, his long blonde curls falling limply down his back. The air was a living thing, pressing down on him, trying to push him to his knees. Isak was enveloped in uneasiness, at once wishing this moment was over and to prolong it as much as possible.

His thoughts were filled with the man that he was here to greet, Even. He was most likely sitting in a carriage right now, thinking that he will soon arrive to his new home. He wondered if he was excited, or maybe he was sad to leave his castle. Maybe he was even scared. He also wondered how much he will hate Isak by the time he leaves.

Isak knew he was doing the wrong thing and he already felt bad for the man. _He will surely try to defend himself against my accusations. I will have to call him a liar._

But he also knew that, no matter how unpleasant, an altercation was far more desirable than this marriage. For everyone involved.

Suddenly, the noise began disappearing. The voices quieted down and the crunch of gravel under the boots stopped. The only sound that could be heard was rustling of leaves or an occasional bird chirp. Everyone was waiting with bated breath staring ahead where shapes of horses and carriages started emerging.

In a blink, the courtyard was filled with horses, the loud gallop immediately waking Isak up. The carriages were rolling in and the servants rushed to help the guests. 

Isak’s heart was beating wildly in his chest, his hands getting clammy. He was biting his lip without even realizing.

Sylvi Bech Næsheim stepped out, followed by her husband Gunnar. Isak felt some relief at seeing the familiar faces but that didn’t last very long.

In a heartbeat, four tall, blonde humans appeared by the couple’s side. Two girls and two boys, Isak vaguely noticed. They looked around, as in awe, laughing to one another or fixing their hair and clothes.

“It’s scorching hot here!”

“Oh, look at the flowers, Eira!”

“Wait, I left my cloak in the carriage.”

Even after a long voyage, they seemed so…happy?

While Sylvi hurried her children, Isak began looking at them with more care, one by one. The one girl was hunched over a little and kept fiddling with her hair; the other one went back for something in the carriage. One boy, who appeared to be the oldest child, looked at her impatiently; the other one...the other one was looking straight at Isak.

He was lean, and his hair was unruly, and his white shirt was slightly unbuttoned, and he was…smiling at Isak. Isak, who all of a sudden, felt his cheeks burning and had to avert his eyes. It was a regular occurrence for him, avoiding others’ eyes. But that was out of discomfort, he never had to bite his lip to keep from smiling as well. Isak didn’t understand why a simple smile aimed at him, made him so flustered but he didn’t have much time to wonder since Sylvi now came up to greet them.

“And it’s finally time Isabell met our children. Isabell, these are Ase, Eira, Hagen, and lastly, your betrothed, Even.”

“It’s an honor, Your Highness”, they bowed before him.

Later, Isak will probably be embarrassed to admit that none of the names stuck in his mind. Well, except for the last one, of course. The boy who smiled at him from afar, _Even,_ was now standing in front of him, as smiley as ever. He was undoubtedly handsome. _Like all of his siblings, I guess_ , _and parents for that matter._ His hair looked so soft though and his lips looked so full, his cheeks rosy from the heat. _Just like literally all of his siblings’._ But only his eyes were so blue, so…alive and focused fully on Isak, really looking at him… Isak, who now felt like he was burning from head to toe, whose insides were doing…something. He tried to relate it to the general uneasiness he felt every time he’d meet a new person, but…this was different. Less unpleasant and more…warm. _It’s probably just the sun._

“The honor is mine”, Isak quietly mumbled and hoped others heard him. He was never more aware of his voice and how weird it sounded.

Isak kept his eyes down for the remainder of the short talk in the courtyard.

When they had walked inside, the Bech Næsheims were all escorted to the guest bedrooms to freshen up and rest before they would be summoned for a meal. Isak used this time to go to his own room and try to get his thoughts in order.

He practically ran there and almost slammed the door before falling on his bed. He wished he could just have Helga bring him the food here. Unfortunately, he had no choice today. He stared at the ceiling, his heart still beating fast and insides still tingling weirdly. Isak tried to ignore that. It was probably the sleepless night and the nerves.

So… He met Even…and those other three people whose names he already forgot.

Well…actually, did he really meet him? He was still as much of a stranger to Isak as he was before this morning. Nothing really changed. Except that Isak was feeling unnaturally shaken up right now.

He was supposed to remain calm and collected during these days. He already knew where this was going and how it would end. There was really no point in caring about anything that might happen while Even was here, so that’s exactly what he’ll do, not care.

_It will be fine. Before you know it, he and his family will be gone forever and you’ll go back to your uneventful life._

Isak closed his eyes for a moment. The first thing he saw was that smile.

It was so beautiful, and genuine, and full of light. One of those smiles that make you instantly smile back. It was all in the eyes, to be honest. They were just so kind and… they actually looked at him…but he didn’t feel judged, just…seen…

_Wait, what? No, no, no._

Isak at once willed the thought away and forced other thoughts in.

 _So, when should I make my accusations? I shouldn’t wait too long. Preferably, in a week’s time. Hmm… what should I say?_ His mother already claimed she knew exactly what to say when the time comes, but Isak let his mind wander.

_What’s disrespectful? An insult perhaps, or maybe an imprudent question? I wouldn’t want to accuse him of anything more severe than that. Maybe I can say I can’t marry a man more beautiful than me, that’s truly disrespectful. It wouldn’t even be a lie…_

Isak was lost in similar thoughts when he was summoned to the dining hall.

The late breakfast was going by smoothly enough. The parents conversed animatedly amongst themselves, while Isak focused on the plate in front of him. He wasn’t really hungry and just nibbled at his food gingerly. It was a welcome distraction from the sight he would otherwise have to look at. Namely, Even, sitting in the chair opposite of his.

When Isak came down from his room, he greeted everyone quietly and went straight for his seat at the table. His eyes briefly met Even’s and, he could tell, he wished to say something to him, but the words stayed on his lips since Isak quickly looked away, as if he saw something forbidden. After that he pointedly stared at his plate telling himself it didn’t matter how rude he might be appearing to these people.

Isak was just beginning to lose himself to the thoughts of a dish he wasn’t used to seeing in his breakfast plate ( _The cooks really went out of their way for our guests. What even is in this? Some sort of berries?),_ when the conversation took a turn.

“Even was really excited to meet Isabell.”

Oh, no.

“He brought her a gift. Wanted to give her himself. Has he had a chance to give it to you, Your Highness?” Sylvi inquired innocently.

Isak had to lift his head at that and looked at her uneasily. He was used to mumbling through his life, keeping his voice low since the first time Sara teased him about it. And Sylvi was sitting so far away.

“Um…”, he cleared his throat a little.

For some reason his eyes flew on their own to Even.

“No, I haven’t yet.” Even’s deep voice sounded.

“Oh, I’m sure you will soon.” She then addressed the others. “He didn’t want to tell us what it was.”

Isak’s mother chimed in.

“How thoughtful of you, Even. Maybe after we’ve all finished eating, you and Isabell can spend some time together. Get to know each other. You could give her your gift then?”

Isak prayed to all the Gods that the sheer fear he felt at the words wasn’t showing on his face.

“Wouldn’t that be nice, Isabell?”, his mother asked.

_No, it wouldn’t be nice. It would be terrible._

Isak couldn’t remember when the last time he was left alone with someone unfamiliar was. The only people he actually spoke to he had known his entire life. And even with them he wouldn’t exactly call himself a good conversationalist. Even if Even wasn’t his betrothed, Isak wouldn’t find this situation desirable.

But he didn’t have much of a choice right now. Saying that he’d rather not spend any time alone with Even just didn’t seem all that appropriate at the moment.

“It would be nice.”

-

“Mother, why would you even suggest that?”

Isak was now ‘getting ready’ for his walk with Even which mainly consisted of him pacing around his mother’s chamber waiting for a moment with her.

“Calm down, it will be fine.”

“But why would you think this is necessary? I really don’t understand.”

“Sweetheart, what are you so afraid of? It’s just a little walk. He’ll give you the gift, maybe try and talk…You don’t even have to worry about impressing him, _he_ does! It’s going to be perfectly fine.”

Isak rubbed his eyes in frustration. He hated the ease with which his mother talked to others because he didn’t inherit any of it and because she couldn’t understand him right now.

“Darling… It was the appropriate thing to suggest. They would’ve been very confused if I said nothing, you know that. Besides, you will definitely have to spend some time alone with him for our plan to work. Right?”

He knew that was true but it didn’t make him feel any better. He was genuinely frightened at the thought of this walk and could already sense the awkwardness. He also knew there was more to it than his regular nerves since he felt he’d rather go on this walk with any other Bech Næsheim sibling.

Even, he…he made him feel weird. He couldn’t even keep his eyes on the boy for longer than a moment. At least not when he was looking at him. And it felt like that was all the time.

_It’s been literally a few hours, Isak._

Well, there seemed to be no point in trying to get out of this, so, no matter how much he didn’t want to, Isak went to his room to actually get ready.

He was staring at his reflection in the mirror slowly tying a light scarf around his neck. Isak let his fingers linger on his throat. He glanced down his body and let himself imagine, for the briefest of moments, wearing something else, his neck bare, his curls never reaching his shoulders. The thought was always ready to come up to the surface of his mind, but he knew now was not the time. He made it sink once more and took a deep breath.

-

Walking downstairs, in an unnecessarily slow pace, Isak was trying to remember the person he was the previous day. The person who didn’t care for talks about his wedding, the person who knew none of this mattered. He really wished he could be that person right now.

Instead, he was shaking like a leaf, his heart in his throat, worrying that his knees will buckle.

The worst part was, he didn’t really know what frightened him exactly. Because of that, he didn’t know what to say to himself in order to calm down. And all too soon, he was standing in the hall where Even was waiting for him.

He didn’t notice Isak at first. He was biting his lip, reading whatever was written on the parchment paper in his hands. Isak used this opportunity to really look at him. He changed his attire and was now wearing a dark blue tunic he tucked in his belt, which left his neck and collarbones on full display, his boots and trousers hugging his long lengs. He also pushed his hair back from his face.

He still looked so handsome.

Even also looked a little nervous, seemingly reading over and over the paper and bouncing on his heels while Isak kept standing few steps away from him.

Suddenly he lifted his head and flinched upon seeing Isak.

“Oh!”

 _You’re already doing_ so _great. Couldn’t even walk out of the castle before making things awkward._

Even didn’t seem all that uncomfortable though. He quickly rolled the paper, stuffed it in his tunic and then excitedly bowed before Isak, a smile in his voice. “Your Highness.”

Isak returned the bow. “My lord.”

They stood in silence, looking at each other. Isak glancing from his hands to Even’s face, while the other boy wouldn’t take his eyes off of him.

“Shall we go, my lady?”

-

There was a sweet smell in the air while they walked through the summer garden. Flowers in full bloom, the trees lining their path tall and bright green. Sun was high in the sky and there wasn’t a cloud to be seen. The only sounds- the song of the birds, their footsteps and the beat of Isak’s heart.

If he was walking by himself, Isak would probably find comfort in the beautiful day, marveling at how peaceful it was. He could almost see himself, the same place, different time: breathing in deeply, closing his eyes, smiling at the warmth caressing his face.

However, he wasn’t walking alone, and all he could think of was how uncomfortable the silence was.

To be fair, it hasn’t been that long since they had left the castle and also Isak was probably alone in feeling uncomfortable, since Even still had a smile dancing on his lips. He also kept glancing at Isak like he was the most amusing thing to look at.

“These are some beautiful flowers.” Even suddenly stopped and walked over to a purple flowering bush. “Could you tell me their name?”

Isak probably couldn’t name a single flower in this garden, well except for the most common ones, and these certainly weren’t one of those.

“Um…I’m not really sure.” He scratched the back of his neck. “I apologize, my lord.” He mumbled.

“Oh, please don’t apologize. I heard you tended the garden so I thought you might like to tell me about it.”

Isak had no idea where he could have heard that from. He watered some newly planted trees a few times when he was a child, but other than that…

“I don’t really, my lord.” Isak spoke really softly, almost trying to change his voice and he hated it.

“I’m sorry then. What _do_ you like to do…my lady? I’m sure there’s plenty of interesting things to do here. Especially for Your Highness.”

Hmm… What did Isak like to do? The first thing that came to his mind was ‘wallow in his misery’ but he didn’t actually _like_ that. Isak suddenly felt so dull. Well, when he was learning to read, he liked fairytales…except he only liked them when he thought they were real. Also his mother had this thing where she had to have read every book he thought of reading. By the time he realized why that was, the interest was snuffed.

He also liked sitting by his window watching the sunrise. It was the only good thing about having trouble sleeping. And when he felt adventurous enough, he liked to go outside at night, lie in the garden and watch the night sky.

But he couldn’t very well say any of that, could he?

Isak stayed silent for too long and Even spoke again. “I like painting… Also poetry.” He chuckled a bit nervously. “I probably just love human expression.”

Isak just nodded curtly.

Some time went by in complete silence while they still stood next to those purple flowers, Isak looking around with a slight frown. The situation couldn’t have felt more awkward and for the first time, Even appeared uncomfortable as well.

“I’m sorry, that probably sounded so pretentious”, he said hesitantly. “I just… I’ve never spoken to someone of your rank and I… I don’t know how to speak to you, so…”, Even let out a breath. “Can I just say…I hate painting, and absolutely despise poetry and I’m not even sure what ‘human expression’ means.” He chuckled while looking at Isak as if he was trying to read him. When he still said nothing, he spoke again.

“Well, to be honest, I could never actually hate painting because it’s kind of the best.” He added under his breath: “Also poetry is pretty amazing.”

“But ‘human expression’, expreeshion, exproosion? Never heard of it.”

If Isak wasn’t so aware of how boyish his laugh sounded, he would have definitely laughed. Instead, he pressed his lips together and stared at the ground.

“What I’m trying to say is I swear I’m not pretentious! I’m perfectly aware of how unrefined I am!” Even was giggling softly but he was clearly nervous.

Suddenly, he seemed to remember something. “And to prove just how unpretentious I am”, he pulled the parchment paper from his tunic, “here is a definitely pretentious gift for you, my lady.”

Isak gingerly took the paper and looked to Even curiously.

“You can read it late-“, but Isak was already unrolling it. “or now”. Even smiled softly and ducked his head as if shy. It was strangely endearing.

Written by someone who obviously struggled to keep his letters in line, but still managed to make them elegant, there appeared a poem.

“I wanted to make a painting of you, but thought maybe I should wait until I’ve seen you first.” Even chuckled. “So…I really wanted to give you something that you might not already have.” His smile suddenly turned into a frown. “I mean, I didn’t mean to presume you don’t have poems written for you. Just, maybe…um…not ones of this nature. Please, don’t get me wrong, I’m sure you’re used to far better poets than me, I just thought…” Even was running a hand through his hair, looking stressed out. Isak felt he should say something but before he could, Even exhaled and said, “I will stop talking now. You can read the poem…if you want.” He had a nervous smile on his face and was picking at the gravel with his boot.

Isak tried to focus on the words in front of him. It felt exceptionally difficult with Even standing there, awaiting his reaction, and he ended up _seeing_ the words but not really _hearing_ them.

“ _As the moonlight strokes the sea_

_As the snow hugs the tree_

_As a honey drop in tea,_

_It’s my honor to be near_

_Your sweet face,_

_My lovely dear._

_Whether ice or whether fire_

_Whether lively, whether tired_

_In a need or a desire,_

_I will give you all my strength,_

_I will give you all my heart._

_You can hold my hand through pain,_

_You can hold my light through dark._

_But make no mistake,_

_Let it be known,_

_I am a guest in your home._

_Whether servant, lover or friend,_

_I promise to be one till the end._

_I vow to always play my part_

_And pray to find a hearth in your heart.”_

Isak wasn’t sure what he was feeling. Probably just Even’s eyes on him trying to gauge his reaction. He read the poem too quickly and realized he had no idea what he just read. He went back and tried really hard to _listen_ to the lines.

“…

_I vow to always play my part_

_And pray to find a hearth in your heart.”_

Isak suddenly felt something tighten in his chest. Guilt.

Here was this boy, who had left his home and traveled for weeks to come here. Who smiled at Isak even when he wouldn’t look at him. Who now gave him a _poem_ and was nervously biting his lip waiting for a response.

This boy clearly had high hopes for their marriage. But he would be leaving accused of being disrespectful and a liar.

It hurt to think about that. But, Isak had to remind himself. This way, Even _will_ get a marriage he deserves, with someone other than Isak. He will be someone else’s friend and a lover and he will be given a chance to truly be happy. Isak had to remind himself that this poem wasn’t actually meant for him _._ It was meant for someone he could actually love. _If he knew the truth, he would be snatching it from my hands and running the other way._

He lifted his head, still feeling the same tightness, barely finding the strength to look at his betrothed’s expectant face. “Thank you.” He almost whispered and, without even thinking, offered the paper back.

Even’s face instantly fell and he looked at Isak’s extended arm as something hurtful.

“You don’t wish to keep it?” He failed to hide the disappointment in his voice.

Isak suddenly realized what he was doing but couldn’t bring himself to rectify his mistake. His mind was somewhere between not wishing to offend Even, and also feeling like he doesn’t deserve the poem. He stayed frozen in place and, after a long painful moment, Even slowly took the paper from his hand.

Isak felt like the worst person alive.

There was something very unpleasant brewing under his skin.

_He should hate you. You deserve it._

After that exchange, the mood shifted. The walk was awkward at best before it, but now it simply felt…done. Even didn’t attempt to start any new conversations nor was he smiling anymore. He didn’t really look angry, just…sad, which made Isak feel even worse. They were soon walking back to the castle and after some stiff bowing parted ways since their respective rooms were in the opposite wings.

For the second time that day, Isak was falling on his bed trying to suppress a whimper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heeey...if you're wondering, this *was* supposed to be awkward and kind of cringey heh. also, the poem was supposed to be not good (yeah, let's go with that lol). the next chapter will hopefully be more interesting. but still, i would love to hear your thoughts on this, they are always appreciated! thank you for reading <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, i'm back with another chapter :) but first, i want to thank you all for the nicest comments on the last one, they truly mean so much to me, so thank you! you are all the sweetest <3 i don't want to get (too) pathetic, but writing this fanfic and sharing it with all of you is honestly the only thing that's making me happy right now and i really hope it's bringing at least a little joy to you as well. <333  
> this chapter ended up being longer than the others but hopefully you'll still like it! i am pretty excited to hear your thoughts <3

It was a chilly night, a soft hush of leaves in the breeze. The moon was big in the sky, almost full. Reflecting in the lake in the distance.

Isak was lying on his cloak, grass under his fingertips. He closed his eyes and let the soft wind caress his face. He breathed in deeply. Fresh. He could feel the peace coursing through his veins. Finally.

It has been a long few days. The kind of days when you are aware of every passing moment. When you keep willing the sun to go down so you can retreat to your room and go to sleep. Or, well, in Isak’s case _try_ to go to sleep. He’s been tossing and turning in his bed for the past few nights, so tonight, he has decided to do something he might enjoy for a change. So, here he was, in the garden, lights everywhere put out. Except for the ones high above him, glittering in the sky.

Ever since the walk, Isak has been in a very bad mood.

On one side, there were the Bech Næsheims, gushing about the upcoming wedding and his mother lying with a frightening ease. On the other, there was Even who somehow managed to look like he was in an even worse mood. He’s been pretty much ignoring Isak and keeping to his siblings now. Which Isak should probably be happy about, except he couldn’t find it in himself to be happy about anything.

To be honest, he was feeling like a ghost. Every time he would sit at the table with others to eat, he’d end up thinking how no one would probably notice if he just disappeared. They were all engaged in their talks, not paying any attention to Isak who, at this point, probably had a permanent frown on his face.

Although, he would still sometimes feel Even’s eyes on him.

Yesterday, when Isak pathetically couldn’t reach the bread on the table, Even jumped and brought it to him. It’s so sad, but something in Isak warmed at the gesture. So it made him feel even worse when he looked at him to thank him and found just the saddest eyes.

He must be such a disappointment for him.

But he couldn’t think of that, nor should he care. Very, very soon Even will be gone and this whole situation will be behind him.

Isak looked at the stars. He tried to count them but quickly lost track. They reminded him too much of the glitter in someone’s eyes, of the first time they looked at him, smiling, full of light. They weren’t looking at him like that anymore. And it was all his fault.

Isak immediately tried to shake away the gloomy feelings and decided it was time to head back inside. Hopefully, he’ll fall asleep and maybe find some rest from these thoughts in his dreams.

-

“How are you, my darling?”

Isak was gazing though his window after yet another unpleasant breakfast when his mother came to his room. It was something she would do very rarely. And asking him how he was? Well, she clearly wanted something.

“Fine. I just wish this was over.” He said still turned away from her, looking through the window.

“Well, that makes two of us.”

Isak turned around carefully, raising an eyebrow at his mother. “I would’ve never said with all the fun you seem to be having. Didn’t you just yesterday say to Sylvi you “dread the day she and the others will have to go back home”?

“Oh, you know I was just being polite.”

 _Since when was lying the same as ‘being polite’?_ Isak wished to say but bit his tongue.

“But, in all seriousness, these days have been really draining for me. I am too weak for this. Having to entertain guests and eat at the table many times a day…well, you know that’s not something I’m used to…or any of us, really. Also, they are all so…joyful.” The way she said it, it sounded almost like an insult.

“Well, except for your betrothed, I guess. He doesn’t seem as happy to be here.”

_Probably because he believes he is here to stay._

“What I’m trying to say is…I think it’s time for our guests to leave.”

Even though he has been expecting that, Isak’s stomach still dropped at the words. He immediately knew what his mother meant- It was time for them to follow through with their plan.  

Isak suddenly realized he wasn’t ready for this _at all_. He wasn’t ready for the tension, for the questions. He wasn’t ready to make Even feel even worse than he already did. He could only hope his mother was.

“What do you plan to say?” he mumbled insecurely.

“After lunch, I’ll encourage you and the boy to go for a walk again. And after the walk, you go straight to me. Request I join you in your room. When we get there, I’ll take over and you don’t have to worry about a thing. Just make sure you’re not smiling or something when you get back from the walk. I mean, that’s probably redundant to say to you, but still…”

“I’ll do so, but could you please tell me what do you plan to accuse him of?”

“Honey, don’t worry about that. I’ll tell you when we’re alone again here after your walk.”

Isak didn’t like that. “Why can’t you just tell me now? What do you plan to say, mother?”

“Darling, I know you. You won’t approve at first, we’ll argue and just pointlessly lose time on me trying to convince you.”

“Why wouldn’t I approve? Mother, what kind of misdeed do you plan on accusing Even of?! Tell me!”

She averted her eyes and sighed. After seemingly gathering her thoughts, she looked at Isak again and spoke solemnly.

“I promise to you as your mother and as your Queen, I will only accuse Even of something inappropriate enough to warrant offence, but not serious enough to warrant a severe punishment. I’ll speak to his mother privately and say you’re too mortified to talk about it yourself. You won’t have to lie yourself and the boy will simply go back home with his family. There will be no harm done to anyone. And most importantly, there will be no wedding. I promise.”

Isak didn’t fully believe her. If the things were really like she said, what wouldn’t he approve of? His mother either underestimated him greatly or she was lying.

Either way, he knew this would happen sooner or later, he accepted his mother’s plan years ago. It was too late now to quit, too close to the wedding. He could only pray her promises were worth something now.

He felt himself giving in. “You are not lying to me, are you?”

“Of course not. I know you would never forgive me if an innocent person was hurt because of me again. The last thing I want right now is to give you more reasons to hate me.”

Isak turned to the window again. An irksome anticipation began growing inside of him.

With any luck, after today, the worst would be behind him.

-

They were still sitting at the table when Isak’s mother spoke.

“Have you seen the lake yet, Even?”

“Only from afar, Your Grace, but it looks beautiful.”

“You should definitely take a walk there, it’s truly stunning.” She then seemed to remember the other guests. “All of you as well, of course. If you haven’t been.”

“Eira and I have been already.” Sylvi pointedly looked at her young daughter who added, “Your Grace”.

“Can we go swimming one day, mother?” she asked excitedly.

“Um…we’ll see.”

“Oh, they should most certainly go, wouldn’t that be lovely?” Isak’s mother said. “We must definitely plan a fun day of swimming. But, maybe today Isabell could accompany Even for a walk? Show him his new home a bit better?” She spoke sweetly, now looking at Even.

He looked to Isak but Isak wouldn’t meet his eyes. The anticipation he’s been feeling for the past hours was now boiling underneath his skin and he just tried to keep his composure. At least outwardly.

“Of course, Your Grace.” Even finally responded sounding not in the least excited but, what could he really say?

“I don’t mind going by myself or with someone else if Her Highness maybe wishes to attend to more important business.”

He sounded very polite but Isak understood why Even said this. _He can tell you don’t want to go. Or, more likely, he has no wish to spend any more time alone with you._

Either way, Isak’s mother was already speaking in his stead.

“Um…I don’t think there is anything more important to tend to today, am I right, sweetheart?”

Isak looked at her. From his side vision he could see Even watching him, but he spoke to his mother only. “You are right, there isn’t.”

“Great! I’m sure you’ll have a lovely time.” She smiled.

_I’m sure we will._

They’ve been walking in silence for a while now. There were no furtive glances, no smiling eyes, just two serious persons vaguely frowning against the sunlight. Or maybe it wasn’t simply the sunlight, maybe both of their frowns were there because both of them hated this. Isak definitely hated this.

He kept reminding himself that, with every step they’d take, they were closer and closer to the end of this situation. This awkward, painfully uncomfortable situation. Isak thought that, at this point, Even might actually welcome the accusations, since they would give him an excuse to leave and never look at Isak again.

But Isak also realized that, with every step they’d take, they were getting closer and closer to the last moments they’d spend together. And it was just plain…stupid, but it made him feel inexplicably sad. He couldn’t say he became friends with Even, he couldn’t even say they knew each other much better now than on the day he arrived. But, no matter how uneasy he felt every day at the dining table trying to avoid meeting Even’s eyes, or how difficult it was to go anywhere these days without seeing him or hearing his voice. No matter how much he had to toss and turn in his bed because weird thoughts of Even wouldn’t leave his mind. Isak knew that, somehow, for some reason, he was going to miss having him around. And he didn’t like thinking about it, because it made no sense, but as much as he couldn’t wait for things to go back to normal, he also _really_ didn’t want to go back to his regular life.

But, it had to be that way. Even couldn’t stay, he clearly didn’t even _want_ to stay. And, no matter how Isak felt, this weird time in his life had to come to an end.

Suddenly, Even stopped walking and spoke. “Um…Your Highness?”

Isak stopped as well and looked to him. There was a stone bench right beside them.

They both sat down.

They still haven’t even taken the path that led to the lake but there was a tree right above them casting a pleasant shadow. It was quiet, peaceful.

It was obvious Even wished to say something. After a few moments of silence, he finally spoke.

“I have been thinking a lot.” He sounded uncertain, his eyes downcast.

“I wanted to ask you something.”

At those words fear immediately spread through Isak. _Did he somehow realize the truth?_ He couldn’t help but let his insecurities get the better of him. He’s been keeping his voice down, barely speaking at all. His hand flew straight to his neck, but it was covered. Like it always was around people. Still, he probably could’ve realized just by looking at him. Isak would sometimes feel like it’s so obvious and that everyone knew, just decided to keep it for themselves for whatever reason.

“You don’t want to marry me, do you?” Even cut through Isak’s frantic thinking.

_Um…what?_

Even was now looking at Isak and Isak was looking at him. There wasn’t really a question in his eyes, just defeat. His face was so close and Isak could see every little detail, from the pale blue of his eyes to the light pink of his lips. It made Isak’s blood warm. He had to turn away his head and Even obviously took it as a confirmation.

 _So, it is that apparent._ Isak already believed it was obvious to Even, but it still made him feel strange hearing it. Slightly vulnerable.

Even sighed deeply. “I can talk to my parents if you wish.” Isak’s eyes flew back to him. “I know everyone is expecting it, but…you are the future queen. You shouldn’t marry someone you don’t want to, right? At least I don’t think so.” He added under his breath.

Isak truly wasn’t expecting this. He probably underestimated how much Even wouldn’t want to marry him too. He wasn’t sure what he was feeling though. He will probably feel happy once it settled in, but right now…Isak wasn’t feeling very thrilled. Probably because Even looked and sounded genuinely sad.

He kept looking at his feet and then spoke again. “I’m truly sorry I wasn’t who you wished I would be.”

 _No, no, please don’t say that._  

“I want to apologize if I’d offended you in some way. That was never my intention.”

Isak thought how he’d never be able to look at himself in the mirror again.

“To be honest, at first, I thought you were just quiet, but now…I’d have to be blind in order to miss how uncomfortable my presence makes you. And I’d never want to make you feel uncomfortable. So…I’ll try to make sure we leave as soon as possible. So you can at least eat in peace.” Even tried a smile at the end but it didn’t reach his eyes.

“Does that sound alright?”

It made Isak’s heart break and it made him want to say a thousand things, but he just ended up nodding. This was the best thing he could’ve hoped for, but somehow it felt like the worst thing in the world.

“I’m sorry too.” Isak whispered.

Even’s response was immediate. “Don’t be. You shouldn’t apologize for wanting better for yourself, for wanting to be happy.” They looked ahead at the lake shimmering in the distance. Something in Isak was shattering with every word said. “Never apologize for that.”

-

It took some time for Isak to convince his mother that there was no reason anymore to go through with their plan. She didn’t believe him at first, thinking Isak was making things up because he was too scared. “Mother, it all worked out. He will talk to his parents and they will be gone.”

She couldn’t understand how anyone could willingly walk away from a marriage with a future Queen.

“There’s something not right about this. Are you absolutely sure that’s what he meant?”

“Yes, I’m sure. He could tell I don’t want this, and I don’t think he wants it either.”

“Maybe he realized you…well… Is it possible he realized?”

“I don’t think so. But, what do I know?” Isak rubbed his eyes in frustration. “The only thing I know is that he doesn’t want to marry me. I believe that much.”

Isak’s mother seemed to contemplate this for a moment.

“Well, I guess we’ll see if he talks to his parents. If he doesn’t we can always go back to our initial plan.”

After that, things started feeling…different. Apparently, Even hasn’t spoken to his parents yet since Sylvi still gushed about the wedding, but Isak trusted he would. Probably very soon. He could feel all the worry leaving him, he could breathe again and sleep at least somewhat better. He didn’t try to avoid Even’s eyes at the table. In fact, he found himself searching them. He smiled at Even in greeting and simply felt..lighter. The next couple of days he decided to appreciate these moments. Because, he knew, they won’t happen again.

He didn’t like thinking about that. He could tell that, if he just allowed it, the sadness would engulf him whole. So he just pushed those feelings away. There would be plenty of time to let them overwhelm him when he’s left alone with his mind. For now, he would spend time in the present, with tangible people and tangible experiences. Because, soon they would just be memories.

So, Isak was currently in the summer garden with Ase and Eira. The two of them mostly talked amongst themselves and, it should’ve been awkward, but Isak felt comfortable staying silent. The girls didn’t expect him to talk anymore and his mind was on the verge of peacefully drifting away. But suddenly, the younger girl, Ase, asked him a question.

“Do you know what happened to our brother? Why is he in such a bad mood?”

“Ase!” the older girl reprimanded her in a whisper.

“What?” she whispered back. “Oh, right!” she then addressed Isak again. “Your Highness.”

Eira stared at her little sister disbelievingly. She continued whispering to her. “Why are you even asking that? Stop being embarrassing.”

“ _You_ are being embarrassing.”

“Gods, you’re such a child.” They kept whispering to each other. Even though Isak could clearly hear them.

“I’m just worried for Even.” Then, at her sister’s disapproval, Ase spoke to Isak again.

“He didn’t give you his poem yet, did he? Your Highness.” She then muttered as if to herself “He would’ve definitely told us if he did.”

“What are you doing? That was supposed to be a surprise!” Eira was appalled.

“Oh, you’re right! Please, forget I said anything!” Isak was going to tell them he already knew about the poem but Ase talked faster.

“Just, when he gives you the poe-, the gift I mean, at least pretend you like it, please. He’s been stressing way too much about it. Your Highness.”

Isak suddenly thought it might be better to stay silent.

“He tried to paint you first, but, let’s just say, that didn’t turn out so well.” Ase chuckled. “He didn’t show me the final version of the gift, but the first version… well, it doesn’t make me very confident about it. I told him to keep it simple, to make his message clear. Gods know how it turned out. Your Highness.”

Eira chimed in. “Well, I think it’s going to be beautiful. And I’m certain you will love it very much.”

“But, just on the off chance you don’t, please don’t tell him that. He would surely be devastated. Your Highness.” Ase quickly added.

“Would you stop that?” Eira started whispering again.

“What? Mother said that’s how to address her.”

“Not all the time! Once was enough!” They kept whispering to each other.

Isak wasn’t really listening to them anymore. His heart hurt yet again at the thought of Even and how he had treated him. _I should try to make things at least a little bit right._

-

Later that day, Isak was sitting by himself in the garden. He would’ve normally gone to his room to avoid everyone but decided differently today. He wouldn’t admit it to himself, but he didn’t wish to be alone. He wished to be found.

He longed for meaningful conversations, for some company. He knew the Bech Næsheims would be leaving soon so he supposed there won’t be many more opportunities to talk to any of them. Even though they all probably didn’t care for him, he thought they were lovely people and wished to make them aware of that somehow. At least Even. Before he leaves, he should know that Isak doesn’t actually hate him.

It was as if the Gods have heard him and suddenly there were footsteps behind him. And then there was that voice _._

“Mind if I join you?”

Even’s question immediately made Isak feel excited. “Not at all.” He answered a bit overeagerly.

There was that same tingling and warmth spreading through his body when Even sat down and looked at him. Isak suddenly felt like fidgeting. He should try to say something kind for a change, like he had decided he’d do.

But Even spoke first. “I’ve talked to my parents.”

Isak’s heart started beating too fast. He knew the next words will be very important.

“They didn’t like what I had to say.” Even chuckled humorlessly.

“My mother insisted I make sure you wouldn’t change your mind.” He spoke softly and looked to Isak meaningfully. “But you wouldn’t, right?” It sounded more like a statement than a question. It also sounded strangely mournful.

Isak didn’t know what to say. He wished he could tell Even something hopeful but that wouldn’t be fair, would it? This was a perfect resolution to his engagement and he should just stay quiet and let it play out.

Isak’s silence was leaving a bitter taste in his own mouth, but he knew there was only one way to go about this. Even had yet to convince his parents so he shouldn’t make him confused.

As suspected, Even took his silence the way Isak hoped he would and said: “I thought so. I apologize for asking again but mother made me promise to do so.”

A few moments passed and Isak was trying really hard to think of a way to make Even know he doesn’t hate him. No matter how big the stress was about the wedding, and how important it was to cancel it as soon as possible, Isak realized it felt almost as imperative to make sure Even didn’t blame himself for anything.

But he, yet again, wasn’t the one saying sorry.

“I also owe you an apology.” Even sounded very insecure. “For that…poem.” He was cringing. “I’m not really sure what I was thinking. I was even _told_ it was bad. It probably felt very insulting to be given something like that.”

A sense of urgency washed over Isak. This was it. This was his opportunity to show some kindness to Even. He absolutely _couldn’t_ stay silent right now.

“Actually”, he quietly cleared his throat, “I should’ve been more grateful. I liked the poem, to be honest.”

“You did?” Even raised his eyebrows skeptically.

“Yes.” Isak looked at him, hoping his eyes were conveying how honest he was. “I thought it was very…brave.”

Even laughed breaking the weird tension that for a moment fell over them. “It was very brave of me to give you such a bad poem. Is that what you’re trying to say?”

Isak couldn’t help but laugh a little as well. “No, definitely not. I’m trying to say that…it was very brave to be so…so open before someone else.”

Even was smiling, genuinely, and it felt very nice to see. Isak kept talking, staring at his hands. “I don’t even like poetry, to be honest, but I…appreciate your gift. Even though I probably did nothing to show that”, he giggled nervously to himself and looked to Even again. He was staring at Isak in pure confusion.

“What?” Isak couldn’t help but immediately ask.

“You don’t like poetry?”

“Um…no?”

“Are you serious?”

“Well…yes? What’s the matter with that?”

“You _are_ serious.” Even sounded properly offended. “How can you dislike poetry? I don’t understand.”

Isak wasn’t sure if he was purposely overreacting and he looked at him suspiciously. “Um, because it’s…you know…”

“I’m not sure I do, actually.” Even said. He still sounded offended, but he was smiling now which put Isak at ease. “Care to enlighten me, Your Highness?” There was teasing in his voice.

“Well, it’s so…confusing. Aren’t there easier ways to say what you want? It just seems so…pointless.” Even’s jaw almost hit the ground, but Isak was finding this amusing. “It’s like someone is trying to sound deeper than they are.”

He couldn’t help but grin at the expression on Even’s face.

“Oh, wow. Just…wow.”

“You are welcome. You can soak in the enlightenment.” Isak chuckled to himself, his cheeks almost hurting.

But Even wasn’t having any of this.

“How can you go through life thinking that? What poetry have you even read? Tell me.”

Admittedly, Isak haven’t read many poems. Mostly ones his teacher forced him to, which was years ago at this point.

“I read…enough to know.”

“I don’t think I’ve heard of that one.” They both laughed. And kept looking at each other smiling. “Have you read _The Song of Birds_?”

Isak wasn’t even aware it existed. “Read it? I hear it every day when I walk outside.” He joked with sudden confidence. Even tried to look outraged but a laugh escaped him.

“Don’t tell me you never read _The Song of Birds_!”

Isak just shook his head looking a bit too satisfied with himself. There was just something so entertaining about Even’s face right now.

“Alright. It’s time to get up.”

“Why?”

“Why? I can’t leave knowing that my future Queen never read the best collection of poems of all time! I know you definitely have it in your library, so let’s go!” Even stood up and offered Isak a hand. He was trying to sound very serious but there was that smile in his eyes. Isak took his hand gingerly and got up as well. It was warm and soft and made a shiver go up Isak’s arm but, all too soon, the touch was gone.

Fortunately, they were walking towards the library then and, for the first time in forever, Isak felt genuinely excited. 

It didn’t take Even long to find this collection of poems, but in the process, he discovered many other collections and now had them all piled on a table where he sat with Isak. He said he was “on a mission to make Isak fall in love with poetry.”

“Alright, my lady. I think we should begin with something simple yet affecting, don’t you agree?” He spoke in a formal manner.

“Is this going to be like a class?”

“Why, yes of course. You should consider yourself lucky. Not many get the opportunity to learn from Even Bech Næsheim himself!”

Isak couldn’t help but giggle. It was dusty in here and kind of dim, so they had already lit up a few candles. He could see Even was fighting a smile himself.

“I think we should start with this one.” He put a page in front of Isak. The poem on it was very short. “Could you read it, Your Highness?”

“Out loud?”

“Why, yes.”

Isak didn’t like that. He realized he managed to forget about his voice for a while, but, suddenly, the insecurities began overwhelming him.

“Could you read it instead?”

Even apparently, noticed something was wrong since his voice went soft with his next words.

“Is everything alright?”

“Yes, yes, of course, I just…” Isak was biting his lip. “I just don’t really like my voice.” He laughed nervously trying to play down just how much this was bothering him.

“Oh.” Even stayed silent for a moment, as if thinking. “For what it’s worth, I think your voice is lovely.” Isak looked at him shyly. “It’s different. Very…um…attractive.”

 _Attractive?_ Isak couldn’t help but laugh in disbelief. “What?!”

“I’m sorry, was that inappropriate?”

Isak was still laughing quietly. “Maybe.” He looked at Even smiling. “But, thank you.” He cleared his throat. “I think your voice is attractive too.” He said softly, almost in a whisper. Even raised his eyebrows at that, as in surprise.

“Which is why”, Isak said louder, “I think _you_ should read the poem.” He slid it over to Even. 

“Fine”, he sighed, but there was playfulness in his voice. “If you insist.”

Even cleared his throat exaggeratedly.

“ _He picked the rose_

_She caught the thorn_

_She winced in pain_

_His tears on shore.”_

Even let the words settle between them for a few moments and then spoke again. “So, what do you think? Do you like it?”

“Uh…no.” It wasn’t a lie.

“What?!” Even laughed. “Alright, what is it that you don’t like?”

“Well…everything.” Isak didn’t feel much about the poem, and if it was anyone else asking, he would’ve just quietly pretended that he liked it. But, he just loved how outraged Even was with every word he said. “Why is this even in a collection of poems? It’s just so… _I_ could’ve written this.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yes! It’s pointless like any other poem, except it’s really short.”

Even blinked at him slowly. “What do you think it’s about?”

“Well, isn’t it kind of obvious? He gave her a rose, she hurt her finger…”

“Do you want to know what I think it’s about?”

“No, but I’m sure you’ll tell me anyway.” Isak sighed. At the expression on Even’s face he started laughing. “I’m jesting! Please, tell me.” He wasn’t sure where was his courage coming from, but it didn’t matter at this moment. It felt so easy.

Even was shaking his head but there was a smirk on his lips. “Well, I would say that it’s about hurting others, and how, sometimes, that can hurt us more than them. You see, the girl only winced in pain, but he is comparing his tears with the ocean.”

“Is he?”

“Well, yes. _His tears on shore_.”

“That could mean anything, he never mentions any oceans.” Isak actually liked Even’s explanation but he didn’t want to give in. “If I, say, wrote something like- _I went to bed, I stubbed my toe, uh…my nail turned blue…um…now it’s sore,_ I’m sure you’d have an interpretation for that too. Probably something like how blue is the sky and nail is…armor…or something.” Isak mumbled at the end.

He looked at Even who was staring at him in silence. There was something twinkling in his eyes and a slow smile spread over his face. “Wow. Maybe you should become a poet. There’s true talent in those words.” He then started giggling and Isak rolled his eyes.

“Alright, fine! We can move on from this poem, I can see you don’t like it.”

After that, Even read some more, and he tried to make Isak see the beauty in poetry some more, and Isak was stubbornly refusing to see it some more. He had something cynical to say every single time and every single time Even would act equally offended. But very soon, in between the giggles and smiles and exaggerated sighs, it became obvious they were both mostly jesting. Still, it was apparent to Isak that Even was genuinely passionate about poetry and he couldn’t help but feel something snug envelop his heart every time Even’s voice filled with excitement at a new poem.

“Alright. We have to read this one before it’s time for dinner.” Even suddenly said and went very quiet. In the light of the candles, Isak could tell his face has changed. He suddenly looked very…solemn.

“This is my favorite poem.” He said softly and looked to Isak shyly. When he began reading, his voice almost trembled.

“ _High above blue skies so bright,_

_Two small birds have taken flight._

_Golden feathers, kissed by sun_

_They have danced like they are one._

_But the shine has soon dimmed down,_

_Hiding behind hazy clouds._

_Baby blue has turned to grey_

_And the lover turned to prey._

_As one screams in stormy rage,_

_The other one seeks its cage._

_When the quiet takes their place,_

_First rain droplets start their dance._

_But the dark is not night skies,_

_Just a man who closed his eyes.”_

Even kept quiet.

He still stared at the page before him, clearly affected by the words.

Then, trying to sound cheerful, he said to Isak. “So, what’s wrong with this one?”

Isak took the poem from Even and read the words again, slowly. When he was finished, he raised his eyes and locked them with Even’s. “Nothing, I like it.”

“Really?” he sounded hopeful.

“Yes.” Maybe, if Even didn’t so obviously care about the poem, Isak would still be trying to find its faults and annoy him some more. But, right now, he just wished to know why it meant to him so much. “Could you tell me what it is about?”

Even bit his lip in excitement. “You go first.”

Isak actually stopped to think about this for a moment. “Maybe…it’s about two lovers fighting.”

Even considered this for a moment. “Hmm…maybe. But I hope it’s not.”

“Why not?”

He spoke in a very serious manner. “I just don’t like to think there is room for screaming and fear where love is involved.”

Even’s voice sounded soft but firm and Isak suddenly realized how there’s so little he knows about this boy, and so much he wishes to find out. “What is your interpretation of the poem then?” Isak said gently. There seemed to be something in the air that settled over them, something easily breakable.

Even ducked his head, and after a while, spoke. “I think it’s actually about a single person, the man who closed his eyes.” He took a breath and continued. “Maybe the birds, maybe they represent him and his own mind.” His words were fragile. “Maybe sometimes they work together perfectly,” Isak read the words to himself again- _they have danced like they are one._ “And maybe sometimes one torments the other,” _the lover turned to prey._ “Until it’s cowering in fear.” _As one screams in stormy rage, the other one seeks its cage._ “Maybe when the storm comes, the skies in his mind change. And when it passes, there is only quiet and rain left.” Even’s voice was almost a whisper, as if he was telling Isak an intimate secret. It was also strangely pained.

Isak looked at the poem again. He wanted to make sure Even knew he was being taken seriously. He wanted to tell Even that he was listening. “And maybe…well, it’s says that the night skies were actually the man’s eyes.” Isak knew he sounded too literal compared to Even, but he wished to try. “Maybe, they’ve been his eyes all along. Maybe they were blue, but would turn grey, and then maybe…the night fell, because he…fell asleep…maybe?”

Even looked at him with a small smile on his lips and something sad in his eyes. “I like that better than my conclusion.” he said in a gravelly voice.

Isak couldn’t take his eyes away from him. It felt like he was looking into Even. He suddenly seemed very vulnerable, like he needed someone to comfort him.

“You know how you said poetry is confusing?” Isak quickly nodded. “I’ve been thinking, and maybe it’s confusing because a poem is a little bit like a mirror.” Even spoke carefully. “If you don’t see yourself in it, you feel lost. And only when you recognize yourself, it starts making sense.”

Isak considered this for a moment. He thought of himself and all the poems he read as a child. All the poems he read just today. He might’ve understood what Even meant.

But then he realized he was just being stupid. Even was actually talking about himself. He was trying to tell him something.

“Do you see yourself in this poem?” Isak asked gingerly, almost afraid he was overstepping a boundary. Trying to enter a territory that wasn’t his.

Before Even could say anything, or Isak could read his expression, there was a knock on the library’s door.

It was one of the servants. “The dinner is served, Your Highness.”

At those words, the fragile intimacy they had created was shattered and, all too soon, Isak and Even were leaving the library to go to the dining hall.

-

Hours later, Isak was standing in front of his window. He couldn’t sleep.

Not because he was worried, or nervous. Or because his conscience was keeping him up. None of that was loud in his mind right now. Not compared to the memories of this day.

They were making Isak feel giddy and filled with something warm and pleasant. Something he couldn’t remember ever feeling before. He had to keep fighting a smile.

In those few hours spent with Even, he felt so…alive. Time passed in a blink of an eye, too fast if you asked Isak. Talking was so easy, even jesting, laughing…

Even was so sweet, so kind. He was the warmest person Isak has ever met. And he could feel that warmth spreading to him as well.

 _He is so beautiful._ Isak felt like he could just stare at his face forever and never get bored.

He probably shouldn’t be thinking about that.

Even was also passionate about things he liked. Which reminded Isak of that poem he said was his favorite. He wondered if Even ever felt like the man in the poem. His heart hurt just at the thought. He didn’t deserve to feel like that, ever. Even didn’t deserve to be anything but absolutely happy and loved. Isak felt a strong urge to make sure of that. But then he remembered.

Even was leaving.

He sighed, his good mood beginning to wane.

_It would be so nice if he could stay._

But oh, right, he was only here to get married to Isak. And that simply couldn’t happen.

_I wonder what kind of husband Even would be._

And no! Isak _definitely_ couldn’t let his thoughts go there _._ He tried to steer them off that path, but weird ideas were already appearing in his mind. Ideas he would never allow himself to acknowledge.

Isak decided this was a good time to go outside for a little bit. Lay on the grass, clear his mind. Forget what he was feeling, at least for a while.

However, life had other plans for him.

He put on his cloak and walked into the night. It was slightly chilly, but Isak liked that. The moment he had set out, the darkness engulfed him. His boots were echoing on the stone path he took to the garden and there he was going to find his favorite spot in the grass. But, walking up to it, Isak realized he wasn’t alone.

There was a shape in the darkness, illuminated only by the moon, sitting on a bench.

Isak’s first instinct was to just turn around and go back inside the castle. But his steps were apparently too loud since the person noticed him.

“Your Highness?”

And, of course, it was Even. Isak should have probably felt annoyed; the one person he was trying not to think about just had to be at his favorite place. Instead, he was delighted. He walked up closer to him.

“My lord.”

“Oh, you don’t have to address me like that.” Isak could hear the smile in his voice.

“How should I address you then?”

“Just…Even. If that’s fine by you.”

Isak felt it might be weird to do so, but still attempted. “It is. So, _Even,_ what are you doing here at this hour?”

“I couldn’t really sleep.” He looked ahead, at the lake now. “Neither could you?”

“No…” Isak said softly.

Even scooted a little on the bench, as if inviting him to sit down as well.

Isak took the invitation. “I like to come here sometimes, to look at the sky.” He said a little insecurely.

“It is beautiful. And so peaceful.” Even spoke languidly. And then a bit more urgently, “Should I leave you alone? I don’t mean to intrude.”

“What? You’re not intruding, you were here first.”

“Still, I can leave if that’s what you’d like?”

“No, no, please stay.” Isak hoped he didn’t sound too desperate. He just really wanted Even to stay. He couldn’t see his face very clearly, since the only lights here were the ones in the sky, but he thought Even looked at him a little strangely at that.

Suddenly, there was a gust of wind and Isak had to wrap his cloak tighter around himself. That was when he noticed how lightly Even was dressed, no cloak at all.

“Are you not cold?”

Even smirked at him. “Of course not. I’m a strong man from the North, used to winters you couldn’t even imagine. A little wind doesn’t bother me.”

Isak couldn’t help but snort.

“You find that amusing, Your Highness?”

“No, of course not. I just…I would’ve never guessed how tough you are, that’s all.” He was trying not to laugh and failing.

“Hey, a man can love poetry and be tough!” Even said almost whining and Isak had to giggle.

“I never said he couldn’t! You are a living, breathing proof of that, aren’t you?” He was still giggling.

Even narrowed his eyes at him. “You think you’re very clever, don’t you?”

Isak just shook his head, smiling widely. After a moment, Even’s eyes started softening. Or maybe Isak was just imagining it. It was too dark to tell. But Even’s voice definitely softened. “Well, I think you are. Clever, I mean.”

The mood suddenly shifted, as if everything mellowed. Including Isak’s heart. They fell into a silence, and for the first time, he thought it was a comfortable one.

Isak kept trying to look up, at the stars, but his neck was beginning to hurt a little and he rubbed it without thinking about it.

 Even seemed to have been paying attention to him. “Are you having trouble looking at the sky?”

“Kind of…I usually lie down in the grass to look at it.”

“Oh, really? Why don’t you lie down now? Is it _too cold_?” he chuckled.

“No, I just… Wouldn’t it be a little awkward?” Isak thought about it, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to see Even then.

“Why? I can lie down too.” He offered.

“But, wouldn’t you be uncomfortable? I normally lie down on my cloak…”

Even gave him a confused look. “Why would I be uncomfortable? It’s just grass.” Isak didn’t know what to say. “I mean, I can still simply leave if you-“

“No, don’t go. Let’s just sit here.”

They stayed there in silence for a little while, Isak still trying to look up. He kept touching the back of his neck.

Even suddenly started looking around and then he got up. Isak didn’t like how quickly his heart dropped at the thought of him leaving. But he soon realized he had no reason to worry since Even simply walked a few steps of the stone path and lay on the ground.

“Are you going to join me?”

Isak stood up and headed towards him slowly. He could feel his own heartbeat for some reason.

He took off his cloak and put it down neatly not too far away from Even. He then made himself comfortable on top of it.

Only thing his eyes could see was the sky. It was covered in stars, some shining brighter than the others, some twinkling. It felt so enormous and so distant, untouchable, but at the same time, it felt like a soft blanket, caressing him, making him feel safe.

“It’s breathtaking, isn’t it?” he murmured.

When Even said nothing, he turned his head to the side to look at him. He was already watching Isak, a content smile on his lips. “It really is.”

Isak felt his cheeks warm up. “You’re not even looking.”

Even just chuckled.

Isak breathed in the fresh air. He was so peaceful. Peaceful, yet alive. He suddenly wished he could always feel like this.

A little time has passed and a sort of tranquility enveloped them. Even spoke softly, as if not to disturb it. “As a child, I used to think stars were actually fruits, hanging from a huge tree. An invisible tree. Only when the night would fall, we could see the fruit shining in the dark.” Isak smiled at that, imagining little Even. “To be honest, I’m pretty sure my grandmother told me that.”

Isak remembered a story, he himself heard once. “Do you know about Aurvandil?”

“No.”

“No?” Isak thought everyone has heard of him.

“Why don’t you tell me.” There was slight teasing in Even’s voice so maybe he did know the story, but Isak still continued.

“Well, there was once a God, Aurvandil. He was traveling across the icy wastes with Thor. Heard of _him?”_

“I might have.” Even said, grinning.

“Well, like I said, they were journeying across the frozen land, but the ground was so cold that Aurvandil’s big toes froze and he couldn’t walk.”

“Oh, that’s bad. What did he do then?” Even definitely knew the story.

“Thor had to cut his toes off and afterwards carried him around on his back in a basket. Meanwhile, the frozen toes were flung into the sky. And now they are still there, glittering.” 

“Wow.” Even was looking up, at the stars, as if enchanted by what Isak said.

“Umm…” Isak agreed.

“I can’t believe these beautiful starts are just some old man’s toes.”

Isak burst out laughing.

“I’m serious. Thanks for ruining the stars for me, Your Highness.” Even kept talking as if upset. “That one, shining the brightest”, he pointed somewhere in the sky, “I can’t believe it’s probably just a swollen diseased toe.”

“Nooo, ew!”, Isak said between the giggles.

“You can almost smell it!” Even exclaimed indignantly.

Isak stopped laughing for long enough to say, “Actually, I think that might be you” and continued at Even’s appalled expression.

“I can’t believe my future Queen just insulted me.” There was a poorly hidden smile in his voice.

Isak kept chuckling before he responded. “I’m only jesting, you smell lovely.” His hand went to touch Even’s arm on instinct, as if to comfort him, but somehow, in the dark, landed on his hand. He quickly pulled it away, as if it was too hot. But his own move made his face burn, and suddenly Isak was very thankful for the darkness.

The air around them felt different after that, a bit heavier. Isak wasn’t focused on the sky anymore, on the stars. Instead he was just very much aware of the boy next to him. Of the way he was breathing, of the way he was biting his lip, of the way the lights above made his eyes twinkle. It made Isak all warm inside and he appreciated the next gust of wind.

In fact, he used it as an excuse to get up and suggest heading back to the castle.

While he walked in the dark, the same way he did many times before, he thought how strange it was to have someone else beside him. It felt a bit like letting someone in on a secret. Sharing something you thought of as yours. Isak liked the feeling.

When the time came to part ways, they stood for a moment looking at each other. They both wore the same shy smiles on their faces and Isak suddenly felt an overwhelming desire to touch Even, or hug him, or say something, to just stay there with him for a while longer.

Instead, Even whispered softly. “Have a good night.”

“You too.” Isak answered just as gently.

“Already did.”

While he lied in his bed, Isak couldn’t stop thinking about the way it felt to be next to Even at his favorite spot. Or next to Even anywhere. Isak felt he could drown in it. In all the tingles and velvety softness that embraced his heart. He wished he could wear it like a cloak, a cloak he would never take off.

If only he could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi again! soo, some progress in this chapter :) we are still at the beginning though, there is so much to come :D but please tell me what you thought of this! is pacing fine? do you prefer shorter chapters? do you care for the poems? more importantly, are you enjoying this?   
> once again, thank you so much for reading and have a lovely day/night <3333

**Author's Note:**

> hello again! if you actually read this, thank you so much!! i really appreciate you spending your time on this. it would be amazing if you told me what you think so far! 'till next time :)


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